Less or More?

People often comment on my stamina. I won't deny it. I have a hefty schedule and I feel that I accomplish most of what is necessary with a bit of grace, but without the craziness, in the middle of the quiet, there is often a lot of time to think. When I was just a mother of one, when Isaiah was an only, I felt that I didn't have any time. I was busy learning how to be a wife and mother, I organized a meetup group, I spent much of my time reading books about preschool and kindergarten. I was often alone, without cable, for what seemed like days. I didn't quite know where I fit in. The friends I had from my old life didn't understand me as much as they once did and the friends that were from my mommy group were fresh and new. I was in between finding a new identity.

Then, when Josiah came along, I felt I knew who I was. I had done the breastfeeding, the spit up, the night time feedings. All there was left to do was to figure out where Josiah fit in with Isaiah. The only thing left about my identity as a mother was finding out the balance, the juggle. That act came quicker than I thought. In fact, it was almost instantly that I found the two baby knack of things. The identity as mother was complete. I can do one, so I must be able to do two, and therefore three won't be such a problem.

Then, my sister had another baby. Just as I found my stiletto wearing footing at a college campus my sister found that she may have lost some of her own identity while becoming a mother of two. It made me think about what the second baby signifies. Josiah, to me, meant less of me more of them. More ice cream, more birthday parties, more presents under the tree. He meant less time to shower, less time to schedule a hair cut, less time to cuddle with Robert. But Josiah also signified something else...more love. More love for him. More love for Isaiah. Much love for Robert. Most of all, he meant more love for me. He meant more effort to find time to love on me. It's true, my family has made more sacrifices to help tend to the new baby and the more independent mommy, but I have found that it is only me that can say when I need more love.

Last week, while emailing a woman about a possible lactation consultant position I may be interviewing for, we discussed how important it is for mothers to be kind to ourselves. We're often lost in the shuffle. We forget about ourselves because we're too busy tending to everyone else. It is ok to be selfish. It is ok to need. It is ok to put your Uggs wearing foot down, because often, two really is enough.