I know I'm not the 1st woman to wonder about her body. What is my stomach doing? What is my uterus doing? Where is my period? There are common breastfeeding myths--you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding. (Yeah, right.) You can't get pregnant if you use a condom. (Give me a break.) Birth control works. (Really? What is that boy's name? Isaiah.)
A few weeks ago, right around Christmas, I completely believed that I was pregnant. I had a terrible pain in my side, constant nausea, and a nagging sensation. I really, really felt pregnant. I took three pregnancy tests. Each negative. Each a feeling of relief. Each a worry disappearing.
Robert is VERY Catholic. I know, for a fact, that he would NEVER cheat on me. I believe that infidelity is not in his nature. Not only is he religious, but he is a cowboy. Cowboys don't cheat. They love animals. They love trucks. They love dirt. Above all, they LOVE THEIR WIVES.
So, when I had that nagging pregnancy feeling I felt that I had to hide it from my husband. I thought, for sure, that he wouldn't condone an abortion. Which is what I thought I'd need. I don't believe in abortion. I don't care if other people do, I just don't. I worry that God will judge me. I worry that my husband will judge me. I worry most that I will judge myself. Will I even be myself if I did that?
I couldn't hide it from Robert. I had to tell him. But, I was so scared. And, he agreed. I may have had to have an abortion. Could my body even support another child? It had been cut deep and Josiah was so big that he ripped open Isaiah's incision. Josiah had a good possibility of crushing his own umbilical cord. So, an abortion seemed like what would happen. Oh no.
Luckily, it was just a sore stomach. I was sick, not pregnant. And, I felt better after pooing like a goose. I am now on birth control, but it is important to note that THREE would be hard. I am not woman enough yet. How would that have been fair to Josiah? How would that have been fair to me???
Sunday, January 10, 2010
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OMG! I am going through that right now about feeling pregnant. David got the big V. I haven't been with anyone. I sure hope af comes this week.
ReplyDeleteI too can't handle 3. I am very happy with the 2 I have. Very blessed. But if I was, it would be a blessing baby.
i completely understand! i was just halfway through when i realized what had happened. (crazy i know) now i spend alot of my mom role making sure that none of my kids suffer because they are all so young and still very needy. i hope i never regret how i care for them being so close together or that i missed enjoying anything because of their age.
ReplyDeleteKim--let me know how that turns out. It is a bad feeling--that waiting.
ReplyDeleteKeala--you are not missing anything. You're home w/them and they know how busy you are. When they get closer to Isaiah's age you can tell how much they notice.