You'll Miss The First Born...

I had five blissful years with Isaiah. Ok, not all of it was blissful, but these five years were years that were dedicated to just Isaiah. People often ask me why I spaced the children so far apart. There are a lot of reasons. First, I was terrified of dying. My pregnancy with Isaiah had difficulties and I was afraid of the same things happening again. Second, I didn't think we were financially ready to have another child. I wanted to be in such a different place before I got pregnant. I wanted a house. I wanted some land. I wanted a cow. I wanted all of these things before I got pregnant. Last, I relish time with Isaiah. I didn't know if there was enough love. How could there be more love?

Then, when Josiah came, I realized that all of those fears were ridiculous. They were. I wasn't so doped up when I had Josiah. This time I could think clearly...see clearly. I realized that Josiah fits perfectly in my family and that my family would remain the same, plus one. The books are right. There will be a time of adjustment, but it will work out. So they say.

They're right. There is a time of adjustment, but what they don't say, what they keep a secret, is how much you will miss the first born. I miss Isaiah and I can tell that Isaiah misses being an only child. This isn't to say that he hates his new sibling. Isaiah loves Josiah, but he has taken a few steps backward. Isaiah is whiny and is absorbed in his DS. He still does five year old things, but he started pooing and peeing in his pants again. This is frustrating beyond belief. He wants to sleep in my bed. (Who wouldn't? It is a memory foam bed. It is wonderful.)

Isaiah is equally frustrated with this unfortunate turn of events. He is shamed when this happens. I tell him how much we love him. I tell him that he's a big boy. I tell him he doesn't need diapers. I tell him he has his own bathroom. I tell him all of these things in hopes of him realizing how much of a big boy he really is. Still, he shit his pants twice last week. Once, yesterday. Finally, I put a diaper on his nightstand. I told him that if he needed to poop in his pants then he could put this diaper on like his little brother. I left it there so he could think about it. All day he said, "Mama, I don't need a diaper. I'm a big boy. I need underpants." And, I kept saying, "I know you're a big boy. I know you don't need a diaper, but I wanted to give you that option. We all need options." We kept up this stupid cycle for hours. This morning Isaiah said, "Mama. I shit in the toilet." Haha. "That's great son, but don't say shit. High Five!" Then, we put the diaper back in brother's drawer. I hope it worked.

I miss Isaiah so much. Getting in some quality time with him is like extracting blood from a rock. I changed my schedule in hopes of getting more time with him. I start at 9:30am now. This will give me more time to make him breakfast, to watch a cartoon with him. I won't need to rush him anymore. I want so much not to be "monster mommy."

I am ok with the mess in the house. I am ok with the adjustment. I am ok with the learning curve. What is not ok is how much I miss Isaiah. What is not ok is us not spending enough time together. I need a plan. Something needs to change. My heart hurts. Clearly Isaiah's heart hurts. We will get there. We just need a plan.